Marriage Oneness

Has your marriage left you disillusioned over time? Did you get married thinking your mate would be the answer to all your dreams only to find they have become the reason for all of your problems?

I believe this is a common problem in many marriages. We come into marriage thinking our husband or wife is a total gift from God. We will never be lonely again. We will always be in love. And yet over time, couples can drift apart. We tend to forget our youthful passion and excitement, and end up resenting each other and taking each other for granted.

When Adam first woke up and saw Eve, he rejoiced. He exclaimed, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’, for she was taken out of man” (Genesis 2:23). Adam’s statement reveals excitement and gratitude. He was receiving Eve as a gift from his God. He was in effect saying, “We are one. She is family now.” She was a part of him. She completed him.

Matthew Henry said, “A woman wasn’t made out of (Adam’s) head to top him, nor his feet to be trampled on by him; but out of his side, to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected; and near his heart to be loved.”

This is the oneness that God desires for all of our marriages, and yet so few find it. Or many seem to lose it somewhere along the way. The truth is, we don’t lose our love for one another. We forsake it, slowly ñ a little bit at a time. We let things take precedent. We stop spending time together, considering each other as we make decisions. We don’t push forward in our communication, but instead we shrink back and stop talking.

We are supposed to be one, but at times we live separate lives. It take real work to live as one. We have to be intentional. I have heard people say before that they don’t think you should have to work at a marriage. It should come easy and naturally. To this, I can only say the following: “Hogwash!”

Every good relationship in our life takes work. Our relationship with God takes work. Our relationship with friends takes some work, and yes our relationship with our spouses takes work. We must be willing to communicate, to share our feelings and thoughts, to put aside our wants at times in order to meet his/her desires. Good marriages don’t just happen. Great marriages are not the product of luck. Great marriages happen when two people make a commitment to give their best to the others.

In this day and time, I believe far too many marriages begin on the wrong foot. Most couples engage in premarital sex long before the wedding. They begin to mistake physical oneness for true intimacy. Sex was meant to be a great part of a marriage, but God’s design is that spiritual and emotional oneness would come first. Spiritual oneness comes when a couple decides to seek God’s will for their relationship. They grow together in their faith and commitment. As the relationship deepens, then their emotional oneness grows. At this point, the couple decides they are serious about a long term commitment leading to marriage. The emotions begin to run deep. There is usually a great desire to be one with this person. God wants us to save this physical oneness though for marriage. Physical intimacy is to become the physical symbol of a couple’s true oneness ñ a celebration of oneness. Sadly, however, we often reverse the order. In our day in time, many run right to the physical oneness and rarely move forward in the other areas in a healthy way. And then we wonder what went wrong. Next week, we will talk more about moving forward in oneness. This week, I leave you with this thought: are you willing to work to be one? And that’s the Word.