What is a woman’s greatest fear in her marriage? What is a man’s greatest fear in his marriage? Do you know that these are two of the most important questions you can answer? In your marriage, the external problems you face are rarely the real problem. There is usually a deeper issue at stake. We usually blow it in our marriages because our core fears are often being tapped into. You may wonder what that means, so let me try and explain. A woman’s core fear usually tends to be related to feeling disconnected and separated from those she loves. She doesn’t want to feel rejected, alone, unloved, unimportant and/or unvalued. We are all relational beings, but women are particularly wired for connection. That want to know that they matter and that they are desired. When a man continually comes home late from work, his wife may get very frustrated. Her real issue (or fear) may be “Do I matter? Is his work more important than I am?” The bottom line is that she is now feeling disconnected. Many arguments can escalate when a woman’s fear button gets pushed. Guys you need to know this. You may think she is over-reacting at times, but deep down she is afraid that she is not really important to you. Women you need to know this about yourself, because you can still choose a mature response when you find yourself feeling this way. You can communicate in a way that is constructive instead of giving into your fear.
Women aren’t the only who bring some fears into a marriage. Deep down, a man’s core fear has to do with feeling powerless and out of control. Men deeply fear the loss of power and respect of those who surround them. Men are doers by nature. They want to feel that they are good at something. They want to be successful. Due to their manly wiring (and a lot of pride), men have a hard time admitting that they are not good at something. When men sense a lack of respect, it becomes hard for them. A man’s fear button tends to get pushed in those moments, and he may respond in unhealthy ways. A man gets his fear button pushed when he feels someone has disrespected him or “challenged his manhood.” Have you ever heard a woman say that someone has challenged her “woman-hood?” No. It’s a guy thing. This is why men have a hard time hearing criticism from their wives at time. It is because they are feeling that they are not respected; therefore they are not a real man.
Men you may not be willing to admit it, but there is a lot of truth in this. If you can realize this about yourself, you can diffuse a lot of battles. It is often and immaturity and fear that causes men to get defensive and combative. You can choose another way of reacting though. Women, it helps if you know this about men. They don’t need to be handled with kid gloves, but they do need to feel they have what it takes in your eyes. They need to know they are not a failure.
So you know what every good marriage needs: a healthy dose of love and respect. In scripture, God calls a man to love his wife. This means a man’s job is to make sure she feels valued, loved, and connected. She needs the security of your complete love. A woman is called by God to respect her husband. A woman is supposed to honor her husband, and truly make him feel that he has what it takes. Love and Respect. These are two keys to a great marriage. Come back next week for more about love and respect. And that’s the Word.